10 things we all do when we're hungover
1. We lie on the cold tiles of the bathroom during a bout of vomiting. 'I know it's disgusting but my body is shutting down and it soothes my belly...
2. We listen to ourselves breathing...should I sound like this...maybe I punctured a lung...
3. We believe we are actually dying. The heart palpitations may be a figment of our imagination cooked up while inexplicably listening intently to ourselves breathing, but the panic is real nonetheless.
4. We wonder what we said and did in the pub... Your sober friend's postmortems won't help. 'Do you remember doing the boom floss with our old geography teacher?'
5. We check our phone records. If the worst you've done is ring the taxi man 16 times while sitting in his car outside your house, you're doing okay.
6. We check the wallet and the online banking...you were doing more tapping than Conor McGregor against that Russian lad. 'No mortgage applications for me this week, the financial adviser would have a heart attack.'
7. We play hunger roulette...you don't know whether a good chicken fillet roll will crown you or send you back to the cold of the bathroom tiles.
8. We renew our pledge...you now understand why Uncle Paddy was a pioneer. I'd rather be no craic and feeling grand now - I'm never drinking again.
9. We revert to 'day off school' mode...There's nothing more soothing than taking refuge under a duvet downstairs. The novelty soon wears off after 16 episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
10. We go for one...the fool's cure. We head back to the scene of the crime for a leveller that turns into six glasses of wine, three Gin and Tonics and a bag of chips on the way home.